3 Lessons I’ve Learned While Living Abroad

“I’m working on myself.”

This is my motto. I say this all the time, usually after I’ve done something a little crazy, like lose my phone for the 3rd time in a year. Or forget someone’s name minutes after they’ve just told me.  Or double-book my time because I’m low-key a hot mess who can’t function without my planner. Or… Listen, you get the point.

But the truth is, we are all works in progress and no one has it all figured out. When you make a major life change, whether it’s moving to a new country, starting a new job, or even quitting your old one, you’re bound to grow in ways that you’ve never imagined. And that’s kind of the point. I mean, who puts in all this work just so that they can stay the same?

Living and working in Korea for the past year and a half has definitely had its ups and downs, but it’s also forced me to step out of my comfort zone and reflect. Whether positive or negative, everything that has happened during this journey has shown me something about myself.

Here are some of the things I’ve learned so far during my time here in Korea. They aren’t in any particular order, and I’m sure that I’ll have more to add to the list as the year progresses.

1. Not every battle is worth fighting. 

I’m very vocal and I don’t allow people to treat me any kind of way. I like that I stand up for myself and that I’m not afraid to speak up. But, if there’s one thing living abroad in Korea has taught me, it’s that sometimes you just have to let shit go.

Keyword: SOMETIMES

This doesn’t mean that I just sit back and let people disrespect me. But I’ve realized that everything that annoys me also isn’t worthy of my time or anger. Yes, I hate it when older Korean women and men bust in line in front of me on the train. And yes, it annoys me when people stare at me like they’re trying to see into my soul, which happens numerous times a day. But if I let these things bother me all the time, then I’d never be able to focus on anything else. I wouldn’t be able to give my full attention to the people and things that make me happy, which are more important.

If you’re irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?

-Rumi

2. Every friendship is not meant to last. And that’s okay.

I like to believe that my good friendships will stand the test of time. I’m definitely not the kind of person who calls and texts everyday but every time my friends and I link up, it’s like time hasn’t passed at all. Those are the kind of relationships that I consider my most honest friendships.

However, being an expat in Korea has shown me that some “friendships” are not the kind that will last forever and people will come and go. Some people are only interested in certain aspects of who you are. There will be people who you’re close with but once they move away or go back home all communication stops. And then there will be people that you meet who are stuck with you for life, meaning that ya’ll are going to be cool no matter where life takes you.

And I’ve learned not to take any of these things personally. It is what it is. I can appreciate people and moments for what they are now and not try to make them into something they’re not.

3. There’s no need to fear riding solo. 

Prior to moving to Seoul, I had never considered travelling solo. Sure, I’d explore my city alone, but I’d never consider going to another country by myself. Who’s going to make sure I don’t get lost? Who’s going to help me read this confusing ass map? Who’s going to get us all home once the beverages have started pouring? It sounded like a disaster just waiting to happen. No thanks, I’m good.

Mekong Delta // Can Tho, Vietnam

But here’s the thing: once you move halfway across the world, alone, to a place where you don’t know anyone or the language, taking a short flight to visit another country where you don’t know anyone or the language doesn’t seem like such a big deal anymore. It doesn’t seem as impossible or as daunting as I once thought, because I’ve already done something bigger.

I then began to realize that there were other aspects of my life that I could take control of and deal with alone. I’m the Olivia Pope of my own life. Problems arise and they’ll get handled. It won’t always be easy, but I’ve got this.

I still have a lot more work to do in order to become the best version of myself, but I think that it all comes down to understanding that I’m in control of my own experience. There will be obstacles, but I can always choose how to let these things affect me. I decide what’s important to me and how to make it work. After all, it’s all part of the learning process.

No, I Can’t Speak Korean So Please Stop Asking

I’m tired of people asking me if I’m fluent in Korean yet.

I get it, though. I’ve been living in Korea for almost 2 years and I spend most of my time around folks whose native language is Korean. I get why you’d assume that my Korean is on point.

It’s not because I didn’t make an effort to learn Korean. I taught myself how to read Korean before I came to Korea, which was fairly easy to do. Once I was here,  I faithfully went to Korean classes twice a week for about a year in an attempt to learn the language. So it’s not that I don’t know any Korean. In fact, I tend to understand a lot more than I can speak because I spent most of the time in my Korean class confused trying to understand what the hell was going on. (The class was taught in Korean so you know I was lost in the sauce for a while, but it definitely helped with my listening and comprehension skills.) I also have amazing co-teachers who always answer my questions about grammar, teach me different phrases, and are available for me to practice my Korean if I wish. But no, I’m not fluent.

Learning Korean is one thing and actually using it is another. And while learning in a classroom is cool and all, I’m someone who learns through practice. I want to be able to use what I’m learning in the real world. Otherwise, what’s the point?? But here’s the thing: every time I try to use Korean outside of the classroom, people almost always respond in English!! **except for older people, like 60+**

Once again, I get it. Koreans begin learning English in elementary school, but rarely get the chance to practice what they’ve learned outside of the classroom because everyone is speaking Korean. So when they see someone like me, who’s CLEARLY not Korean, they view it as an opportunity to get a little bit of English practice.

I’m not mad at it. It’s kind of the same thing that I’m doing. But it doesn’t help me practice my Korean and learn to use it authentically. I don’t want to learn a language so I can speak to myself, I want to talk to other people!! So after a while, I stopped trying as much. I’ll practice using my little phrases with my homie at the 7/11 who always asks me if I want a receipt in Korean.

There’s also the reactions that I get from Koreans when I use Korean. I usually encounter two extremes: either people overreact immensely at your use of Korean or they try to play you. And both reactions are kind of annoying. For example, it’s really awkward when someone claps, gasps in amazement, and tells me how good my Korean is just because I said hell0 in Korean. Huh?? It’s not difficult and doesn’t require effort. And it’s definitely not worthy of applause. On the other hand, I also don’t need you snickering and laughing if I say something in Korean and the pronunciation may be a little off. I’d never make fun of someone who’s going out of their way to try and communicate with me in English and I’m going to go above and beyond to try and understand them. So you getting your giggles in every time I say something is not going to make me want to keep talking.

All I’m saying is, send me the memo. If we’re laughing at grammatical errors now, LET ME KNOW so I can free up my schedule. I won’t have time for anything else if that’s the case.

And then there’s the issue of understanding too much. This was my biggest issue. You know that saying “Ignorance is bliss?” Well, there’s some truth to that.

When you don’t understand the language, you can go about your day kind of oblivious to what is being said around you. There’s no point, because you can’t understand  most of it anyway. But when you start learning more, you start understanding more. And with that understanding comes picking up on the slick shit that people are saying about you. I began to notice and understand when people were saying rude shit about the way that I look or my hair and it became hella annoying. It’s also a bit frustrating because you know that it’s pointless to even say anything about it because it won’t make a difference. You just have to “understand their unique situation.”*

*I was told to do this by someone because I should understand that Koreans are not used to foreigners. But rude is rude, no matter how you look at it.*

So I stopped putting in loads of effort to become fluent in Korean. I definitely encourage you to engage with the language in whatever way works for you. You might find that you truly enjoy it and don’t have to deal with these issues as much as I did. But I’ve found that life in Korea is a little easier FOR ME when I can’t understand everything that’s being said around me.

So please, stop asking me if I’m fluent. I’m not. And I’m cool with that.

 

P.S. I still have an uncanny knack for knowing when people are talking shit. It’s a gift and a curse LOL….

11 Pieces of Advice for Black Women Visiting Korea

Seoul, South Korea is known for many things. Samsung. K-pop. Kimchi. Super fast internet. Bomb-ass BBQ. Psy.

It is also well-known for its homogeneity and extreme expectations of beauty. Walking through the streets of Seoul, you will be surrounded by thin, fair-skinned Koreans, with straight, dyed hair. As someone who is melanin-rich, it’s safe to say that I definitely stand out in a crowd. Considering that I’m very far from the Korean standard (chocolate, thick, with big, natural hair), it only makes sense that I’d have some different experiences here in Korea.

Since I’ve gotten so many questions from Black women about things that they should expect during their trip (or move) to Seoul, I decided to make a quick list of some things you might experience while you’re here. So, here goes:

• People are going to stare. A LOT. If you’re really lucky, you’ll even encounter the folks who stop, gasp, point, talk ish, and stare all at the same damn time.  At first, it’s extremely annoying and makes you feel uncomfortable as hell. But you’ll get used to it and/or find ways to deal with it. Sometimes I just stare right back. Yeah it’s awkward, but you’d be surprised how many people keep staring even though you’re looking right at them. Other times, I just imagine that they’re staring because I’m so beautiful and they can’t help themselves.

• Random people may ask to take pictures with or of you. Don’t feel obliged to take one if you don’t want to. Usually, I’ll take one with them because it makes me feel like a celebrity. And, I usually pull my phone out as well so I can get a copy of the pic too. But if you’re not in the mood, politely decline and keep it moving.
• If you’re natural or if you like to change your hair a lot, you will be asked about each hairstyle. People are genuinely curious, so use this as an opportunity to educate. It’s great that people are interested in your hair and want to know more about it. I remember spending almost an hour with my co-teacher watching natural hair videos on YouTube, and my students are always confused when I switch it up. I just tell them it’s the #blackgirlmagic.
• Also, some people may ask to touch your hair, and some people may even be bold enough to touch it without asking. Do what makes you comfortable, and don’t be shy to say “no.” If people touch your hair without permission, you can touch theirs back and they’ll see how awkward it is. (*Note: this has the potential to backfire if that person actually likes getting their hair played with. It happened to me before, so I thought I should warn you).
• Speaking of hair, if you have some favorite hair products, bring them so that you can do your hair once you get here. You may be able to buy some products online and get them delivered to you, but it’s always best to have your own just in case. The same goes for make-up.
• If you decide to go out dancing, don’t be surprised if people come up and want to dance with you or ask you to teach them how to dance. Many people think that just because you’re Black, you can sing and dance, which we all know isn’t true.
• If some random hits you with the “Wassup!” or “Yo, yo!,” hit them with your fiercest side-eye and keep it moving. We don’t talk like that. Come correct.
• The N-word. No, no, no. Just no. They can’t say it. The end. If someone tries to say it around you, kindly shut that ish down.
• Some of the older Koreans may look at you and automatically assume that you are African because many of them are under the assumption that all Black people are African. Even in 2016, there are people who are under the assumption that all white people are Americans and all black people are Africans. It’s great if you’re African, but if you’re not, let them know where you’re from. If you really want to be shady, you can ask them if they’re Japanese (because all Asians must be Japanese, right?).

• Also, many Koreans think that all black people look alike.  I’ve had people tell me I look like Oprah. *Insert side-eye here* I’ve had a co-teacher tell me, “I know that many Westerners think that we[Koreans] all look alike. But it’s ok, because we think you look alike too.”

And the most important piece of advice:

• Do you, boo!!! The truth is, you’re going to encounter ignorance no matter where you go. There are going to be people who love you and are excited to meet you and there are going to be people who don’t understand you or like you. Explore, learn more about the culture, but don’t let anything deter you from enjoying yourself. People are going to stare regardless, so you might as well wear your biggest twist-out, walk your fiercest walk, and be happy!